This week, Doc Love, author of "The System," advises a reader who's being needy. reader’s question
Hey Doc, I’ve been with Shari for two and a half years. I’m 28, she’s 25 and we live apart (me with my ill mother and her with her family). But after hearing your radio show, I’ve been forced to take an honest look at myself and decided that I am in need of coaching. Like with any relationship, there have been some bumps in the road, and I must shoulder part of the blame because I have taken the “wimpy” approach. Constantly trying to
be the nice guy, I have lost the upper hand and feel like the woman in the relationship. My insecurity has caused me to make myself come across as needy. I am always the first to talk about the future, to which Shari usually gets uncomfortable in discussing “heavy” topics. We work together and she is genuinely
my best friend and can definitely be a Giver, however it is maddening to know that my interest in her is probably at least 90%, but the sad reality is I feel like hers is probably only about 70% to 75%. Although that doesn’t seem like too large of a gap, sometimes I feel it is worlds apart. Sometimes Shari will say how she wants to raise our kids or what she wants in our house, but when I try to expand on the issues, she gets uncomfortable and shuts it down. Shari is one of those girls who has a bunch of guy friends because she doesn’t get along with girls. I am trying not to be a jerk, but I don’t like it. I admit that my insecurity about her is through the roof and that is on me, but I am looking for coaching so I do not ruin this relationship. We have rarely fought, and she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. By the way, she has been in this country for 10 years and is a refugee of war and comes from a very emotionally distant family that rarely shows affection. In her past, she was engaged and lived with a man who physically and verbally abused her. As for me, I’ve only had one serious relationship before this and am obviously not an expert. I am happiest when I am with Shari, but when we are apart I am miserable. I know I’ve become a wimp, and it wasn’t until my ex left me that I took this weak and pathetic approach in my life. I know you will say I need to buy
“The System,” and I give you my word I will, but in the meantime, Doc, I have no one I can talk to or ask for advice on this matter. I feel like a loser and am embarrassed by the lack of balls I have displayed. Shari has told me on numerous occasions that she was attracted to my confident, sarcastic attitude and tattoos (i.e. the bad boy persona), but now that I have her, I act like a wuss. Fang - who can’t stand himself
Doc Love's Response
Hi Fang, If you’re aware that the wimpy approach is not working, why do you continue using it? Have you thought about taking another approach besides the wimpy? As far as feeling like the woman when you’re with Shari, you’re not alone. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That’s the way it is in most relationships.” If you keep talking about heavy topics with Shari and she shuts you down, why do you repeat your mistakes? This is a syndrome that I point out in my book -- which you don’t have. If you keep doing something that makes your girl uncomfortable, why would you go on doing it? Wouldn’t common sense tell you that your approach isn’t working and that you should get a hold of my book and find out what the alternatives are? Don’t you ask yourself these questions, guy? Or do you want to stay marooned in a cycle of self-defeat? How should Fang handle his situation? That's next...
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Source:
http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_700/777_being-needy.html
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